24 April.

It's the 24th of April today, Friday. It would be my lovely Mum's birthday if she was here. It's also the 4th anniversary of the day she died. That might seem like a pretty poor birthday present, but you know, she was in a lot of pain and misery when the end came, so maybe not.

Anyway- to me, the 24th of April will always be her day and I thought I'd honour it in a way she would have liked. I went to one of her favourite places, down on the beach, and sat on a bench looking out to sea. I felt the wind on my face, watched the seagulls wheeling around the sky and breathed the sea air, just as she loved to do.

I walked on into town and indulged in another of her favourite things- a little retail therapy. She loved to shop, even though my parents never had much money. She would buy clothes and smuggle them into the house; several weeks later, she would suddenly appear wearing something my Dad hadn't seen before. "Is that new?" he would ask. "Oh no. I've had it a long time" she would say, her blue eyes sparkling mischievously.

Finally, I stopped in a cafe and had coffee and a piece of cake. I wouldn't normally have the cake, but what the heck, you can't celebrate a birthday without it, can you? When I was a little girl my Mum used to make sure I always had a birthday party. Years later, through Friends Reunited, I met someone who came to those parties and she told me she how wonderful they had been.

When I was young, like all kids, I wanted to blend in with the crowd. I came home from school one day and demanded having my hair put into plaits because 'everyone else has them'. My mother looked at me and said "So, if everyone puts their head in an oven, are you going to do that too?". Another time I was upset after I'd been to the home of one of my (wealthier)classmates and discovered they had matching plates and dishes. Ours were -shock, horror! - a chipped hotch-potch of whatever we could find. My Mum's reply was, how dull to have everything looking alike. Since then I have always thought the same.

She never conformed. She broke all the rules. She was a real free spirit. Her garden was planted as naturally as possible, no ordered rows and colours for her, just a glorious riot of growth. Housework always took a back seat to fun so I had a wonderful, if a tad dusty, childhood. Even her marriage was in defiance of society. My parents were from different religions and social classes, and in the 1940's those things mattered. But not to her. She had found her love with a good man who adored her and that was all she wanted.

I don't know how this post 'reads'- I'm far too close to it to be objective. It might sound as if I'm all calm and collected about today- but I'm not. I've had a good cry, and I have a huge lump in my throat as I write. You might wonder why I'm writing, if it's painful- well, I wanted to honour my Mum. I was so lucky to have her and I miss her every day.

I know I'm not alone in my grief. Sooner or later we all lose people we care about. It happens to everyone. I've heard it said that when you lose someone you really love, you never get over it, you just get used to it. The pain of the loss remains the same- only the shock has gone. So I have to agree.

Tonight I'll do one more thing my Mum would have loved. I'll open a bottle and drink a toast to her. And wish her Good Night and God Bless.